just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
