If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
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