My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
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