oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
Randomize
