sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
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