You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
Randomize
