HIV tests are more positive than that guy
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
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