Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
