I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Randomize
