nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize
