Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize