now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Randomize
