Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize
