I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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