How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
Randomize
