In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
