we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
You are the jesus of drinking
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
