if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
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