he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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