does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
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