I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
A+ Viking dick
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
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