In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
