I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
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