please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
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