bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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