tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
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