By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
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