Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
i can't believe i never thought of this: farticle man
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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