Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize
