I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Randomize
