Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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