Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
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