We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
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