My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
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