if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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