I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
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