During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
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