I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Randomize
