I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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