if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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