some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Randomize
