dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Randomize
