They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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