i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
