Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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