Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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