Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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