I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
