i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
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