She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
