Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Randomize
