i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize