jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
Send help, water and tortillas.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Randomize
