see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
