you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
