We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Randomize
