What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize