so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Is it weird that we showed each other our pussy's and pointed out the good and bad things about each others??
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
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